HiddenStream

I love looking back on the times in my life when there was nothing else but the present. No stress or deadlines or anything else tainting the day. Everything just was, and that is what made it incredibly sweet and worthy of remembrance. Sadly, I have begun to realize that these memories are slowly becoming foggy in my mind. As time passes on, I forget the crisp details of the past; sounds and smells become a blur, and eventually things begin to weld into a general feeling about the time passed. I have also found that I omit certain things about the memory and replace them with the way my mind tells me to remember it….The way I want it played out in the movie of my life. There is nothing wrong with this, every person has their own unique way of perceiving life and the events going on around them. It is only common sense that we all should take it in differently.

I honestly don’t care really how I remember it, I just never want to lose it.

I want to reach for those memories and never forget. I will hold them close and cherish them for what they are in my mind. Today in my post, I wanted to just write about a glimpse into some of the few precious moments crossing my mind lately. Hopefully by just typing a few words about each, they can still hold their importance and magnitude when I look back next time. The following will be quite abstract, chessy, and a bit serious. I guess that is how my perspective chooses to record my life. These things are sacred and reserved for my nostalgic self alone.
*I was young. I don’t know how young. But I was playing in the pool in Savannah with a bunch of kids my age. We were so happy and carefree. I got lost in the cool blue water. I watched the bubbles come up and I smiled with the perfection of the day.*

*I went to a homecoming dance with one of my good friends. We arrived and just sat in the corner and talked. At the time, I was having problems in my life with men and allowing them to see my vulnerabilities. I was young and fearful, but when I looked at him, I knew we would always be close. Eventually we decided to ditch the party and go ride around instead. We ended up at the magazine recylcing center sitting on a heap of old magazines, looking for great articles. That is what I truly wanted to do that night. I never wanted to go to that stupid dance. He allowed me, for just an instant, to be myself, silly and intimate.*

*It was Friday the 13th, a cold and rainy night. I just broke up with my “first love” of high school, and had decided to go out and drive around on the golf-cart. I drove and drove. I ended up wearing the battery down so bad that the golf-cart died. I didn’t know what else to do but walk up to a local restaurant and find a good friend of mine that I knew would be up there. We laughed and talked about the past year with my ex. He made me feel so much better about the whole thing. The best part of the night was pushing that damned golf-cart halfway across town in the rain. I knew I always had my friends to save me from myself.*

*I finished my first oil painting and was so proud. God, I was so proud.*

*The first time I went out dancing while being in college. I was with a group of friends but at the same time, completely alone…. but then saw you come in. I knew you would have such a wonderful impact on my life. I was right. We danced and laughed like we had known each other all our lives. I could never forget the blue of your eyes.*

*My brother and I have always had a rough relationship. We went through so much together when we were young, and because of this, I always felt guilty for not protecting him from the world. One night, I rented a movie and we stayed up watching it over and over again all night long. It was the first time I had laughed and cried like that in years. I was myself around him for the very first time. I didn’t have to save him from what had happened. I realized that no matter what had happened to us in the past, that everything was going to be alright. It could be the most important memory to me on this entire list.*

*Seeing you in the grocery store that day. I hadn’t seen you in years and thought I would never know you again. My heart dropped and you smiled. We were lucky to make it through all the changes and obstacles and still be best friends.*

*We went to the field on a night as ordinary as any other. We walked around holding hands and told each other our fears and beliefs. I knew we were so different and not ready for a relationship, but I cherished that night. Now and forever. You looked down at me and I learned who you really were. You were my muse and I was the girl lucky enough to call you that. I think about that more than most people know. I look back on this memory and can do nothing but smile. Words cannot capture the way I felt that night.*

*The day against the door in my bathroom. I locked myself in there and just cried and cried. I never have felt so alone and scared. I didn’t know what to do or who I could possibly turn to. I was going to be a mother. I knew I had to let go of everyone and everything in my life so that I could do what was best for you. It only took an hour. I was ready to be a mom and give it all up for my child.*

*The day I was packing everything up and knew I was going to leave it all behind. I walked out the door and felt my freedom return to my soul. I will never let go of that liberation.*

*Walking on the beach following your footprints. They were so much bigger and stronger than mine. I idolized your image and your presence. The wind caught my hair…I closed my eyes and imagined I was flying across the ocean. It was then that I realized I could do anything I set my mind to. I just needed the right kind of inspiration. This is why I became an artist. I was not born with it.*

Well…I just wrote about a lot of personal things. I guess it is just one of those days. I am kind of afraid to post this for fear of being judged or looked at differently, but at this point, I know that I have to. I did what I needed to do, and the next part is letting it go. I should never be afraid of who I am. Thanks for reading and I promise….I am not always this serious.

***A Clarification: Each memory is about a different person. The “you” I refer to in many of the memories is just a way of keeping their names anonymous. A friend who just read my post brought that to my attention.***