So, writing publicly has become a thing of the past. For a little under a year, I have kept my blog posts private, and limited to very few other readers. I am not sure why I have done this. I am not sure I have the time to begin writing publicly again. But, I have decided to give it yet another shot.

I am at work. We will see if posting is possible today in the midst of my busy schedule.

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me out to be
And it makes me want to scream
When it’s Halloween
And the kids are laughing
The rogue is a bank he’s never broke
But worth as much as a joke that no one is laughing at

Can you believe some things are not
Appealing and there’s a spot
On the ceiling of my childhood bedroom
And can these dreams you can’t imagine
Will never match the vision
That you had decided for me
You are to take away from me
Things that are mine and it’s not your right
Out that you’d wouldn’t expect to find out
Can it be that I don’t want what you want?
And the only thing I could care for
Is a place in a home that is safe and warm
Safe and warm, safe and warm, safe and warm

Judge yourself if you feel the need
Just let me known to be
In search of the truth myself
There is a drop of blood on the ground
And it seems to me that it’s not my kind
And I can’t be sure if it’s yours or mine

I am as ugly as I seem
Worse than all your dreams
Could ever make me
Could ever make me
Could ever make me
Could ever make me

So, yeah. It has been quite some time. I am not quite sure what has been wrong with me lately. I am not writing. Not painting. Not singing. Not much of anything besides school and well, yeah.

It seems that this is the same thing I write over and over all the damn time. “School this…school that.” I am beginning to despise that my education has taken over my existence. I am losing my balance, losing sanity, and losing my relationships. All I do is read, go to class, and study. What good is all this information that I am acquiring if I have no one to share it with? No one to go out and have fun with. All there is in my life is The University of West Georgia. Blah. I hate it, but I also need to do it. I understand the amount of time I need to invest to do well, but my friends sometime do not. They complain of my lack of social activity, and I don’t know what to do. I wish I could go out and fun every night, but I just can’t. For God’s sake, it is only the second week of school and I am horribly behind. I have lots of obligations. Too many really. I can’t be everywhere all the time. Can’t be everything to everyone.

All I really know is to keep going to class. Everything could fall down around me, and I would probably still go to class.

I am beginning to think I may have a problem….a sickness. I may care too much about school. I may be an overachiever. Hmmm, people are beginning to pull away…and all I care about is f*ing grades.

*Oh on a completely different and much more positive note: I finally quit smoking. I finally did it….I am so unbelievably proud of myself, and come to think of it, the lack of nicotine may be part of the reason this post is so grumpy. Who knows.

5 whole days without a single ciggerate. This is amazing. I used to smoke a pack and a half a day. I had just had enough. Done done done.

Yays!

This song came on right after I posted my last post (which I decided to make private), and I stopped crying for a moment.

The Heart Of Life

“I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There’s things you need to hear
so turn off your tears
and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
no it wont all go the way
it should
but I know the heart of life is good

You know it’s nothing new
bad news never had good timing
then the circle of your friends
will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
love turns the whole thing around
fear is a friend who is
misunderstood
but the heart of life is good
I know its good, I know its good”

- John Mayer

I read this today, and even though it is a little Chicken Soup for the Soul-ish, it was still pretty good to read. Refreshing.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling.

It seemed that, as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.

She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes, she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” the young woman replied. The mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity – boiling water – but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened! The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” the mother asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”

Which one are you? Are you the carrot that seems strong but, with pain and adversity, wilts and becomes soft and loses your strength? Are you the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavour?